This should be easy. But it is a bigger struggle for me than I expected. In the past I haven't loved nonfiction anything- I can dive into 1000 pages of novel, but other stuff felt like studying, and like somebody was making me. You can't boss me. I read what I want. I'm already smart, I'm doing fine, and really if I'm going to do something every day, it OUGHT to be a Bible study because I already feel guilty about that not happening on the daily. Something just for me? That felt really selfish and also like a huge chore.
However, is it what I need? Heck yeah. It really is. So I'm working on finding a Bible study that speaks to me (recommendations gleefully accepted!) AND also trying to find other things that work. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up has been instrumental. Anything by Jen Hatmaker makes me so happy I float around wanting to change the world for days. Other things are creeping in, and as they do, I find myself looking at every single thing I do in a different light, and taking little nuggets of A-HA moments away.
Enter Wall-E.
Watched it last night for the first time. The kids had seen it before but I'd never bothered to sit down and check it out from start to finish. I knew it would make me think of my fitness journey with the whole everybody-is-hugely-fat-and-stares-at-their-screens thing, but other little things hit me like a truck.
He's got that Ariel-esque part of your world thing going, where he collects random objects from the trash that appeal to him for some reason, and takes them home to decorate his little house. One night he comes home with a spork. He goes to put it away, and stands there looking at his cup of spoons, and his cup of forks, and goes back and forth deciding. Eventually he just sets the spork down in the middle between the two cups and makes a new pile.
And my brain screamed at me, "YOU ARE A SPORK!!"
I've been thinking that I have to decide how much to do this fitness gig. So many of my coach friends are 100% gangbusters #girlboss, quitting their day jobs, ON FIRE for fitness and making insane income and they look so happy that I feel like I should do that too. But is it me? Other coaches keep their day jobs because they love them and still build their business on the side and do as much as they can. But is that me? I've been feeling inadequate on both sides because I'm not sure what I want or where I fit in, and I didn't feel like a spoon or a fork and it made me feel wrong and different and weird.
But it's because I am a spork. I can do both. I can sit in the middle and be my own creation.
So for the next hour I sat there watching and just thinking about all this. And then the ship captain had his revelation, which came as no surprise but still I really love what he said...
"I don't want to survive. I want to LIVE!!!"
"I can't just sit here and do nothing. That's all I've ever done...."
And I almost cried. Not knowing in my heart that it's okay to be a spork all these years has made me sit here and do nothing. And the thing is, I didn't even realize it!! I don't want to make it sound like I've been so super unhappy all this time. When my husband reads posts like this he gets really sad and says he had no idea I felt so bad. It's really not like that- I've had a life so far that's been great. It's just that when I look back on it, I can see the places where I could have done more and I just sat there. In five years I'd rather know that I've been working on improving myself and my thoughts and habits and work ethic so that I can give my family the best possible opportunities. I want to LIVE.
So here's what I say: BE A SPORK. And go find some personal development to read on the daily, because it really will change your mindset.
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