Grace and Excuses

So here's the thing: I don't judge myself with the same measuring stick I use for everyone else.  I think that's pretty standard for everyone, right?  I look at someone else having a bad day and I message them and say, "Girl, you got this!  Look how awesome you are! You can power through!"  And I'm not just giving lip service- I mean it!  I have awesome friends and I believe in them wholeheartedly.

But I have the same bad day and I think, "This sucks.  I suck.  It will never get better and even if I try hard, I will not measure up." I don't believe other people sometimes when they give me the pep-you-up messages, and occasionally I even think they're misguided or delusional for believing in me when it is SO FREAKING OBVIOUS that I am a dismal failure.

I know you've been there, guys. Isn't this what we all do to ourselves?

The trouble I'm having right now is finding the balance between giving myself a little grace, and yet not using excuses and too MUCH grace as a reason to not move forward.  Does that make sense?  Let me explain.

I want to be perfect.  I do.  I want to work out every day, and eat clean, and see amazing results.  And I know that I *could* do it.  But there are days it's just not a priority in the 24 hours that I have.  And I'm ashamed to admit that too many days, eating chips and fat-assing on my couch with Plants vs Zombies and some Netflix bingeing is my priority instead.  I don't want to be the kind of person who doesn't move forward in life.  I hate that so many times it's just easier to sit there.  And yet I continue to do it.  And when I say this kind of thing to hubby, he says "babe, you've been working so hard! You deserve a little break.  Just get back on it tomorrow."  Or else, if it's been a few days and he can see what's going on because he knows me, "Well, okay, what are you gonna do about it?"  And then he lays it out and tells me the things he's seen me do before when I feel successful.  And usually at that point I get super defensive because I don't want to hear it, because I know what I need to do, and I know I'm not doing it.

So.... this weekend I gave myself too much grace.  I drank Woodchucks.  I ate way too many chips.  I haven't worked out since last Thursday.  And past me would have said, "See?  This is just how you are.  Trying to be different is too hard.  What does it really matter if you change your body?  You're gonna die anyway- so you die healthy, so what?"  For real.  I used to think that.

But now? I think no.  I think I feel better when I have energy, and I can tell that eating that way doesn't do it for me.  I think I feel stronger and happier after a workout, even if I hate it and want to die and throw obscenities at Shaun T while I'm doing it.  I think I love the example of health and moderation that it shows my kids when I get right back on the wagon after a weekend of crap.  No I'm not perfect, but I will keep trying now instead of quitting.

Danielle Natoni is a coach I love- she's featured in Insanity Max 30 and I stalk her pages.  She's got good stuff.  On Thanksgiving she posted something like, "I'm not doing today's workout to "earn" my meal.  I'm working out because it's Day 4 of my program, and I'm going to eat Thanksgiving dinner later because it's Thanksgiving."  I love that so much.  That's the balance I'm trying to attain.

I have the morning off work today.  I'm listening to the Beachbody National Wakeup Call while I type this, and then I'm going to go do my Insanity Fit Test before I start Month Two.  Y'all, I'm going to need you to hold me accountable.  Month two has workouts that are longer and more intense.  I have never worked out for an hour and I'm afraid I can't do it.  I still feel like a fat girl who "can't" run or jump.  But dammit I'm gonna try.  And I know I will succeed, even on days when I think I'm not.

And you can too.  :)  Let's do this!