Grace and Excuses

So here's the thing: I don't judge myself with the same measuring stick I use for everyone else.  I think that's pretty standard for everyone, right?  I look at someone else having a bad day and I message them and say, "Girl, you got this!  Look how awesome you are! You can power through!"  And I'm not just giving lip service- I mean it!  I have awesome friends and I believe in them wholeheartedly.

But I have the same bad day and I think, "This sucks.  I suck.  It will never get better and even if I try hard, I will not measure up." I don't believe other people sometimes when they give me the pep-you-up messages, and occasionally I even think they're misguided or delusional for believing in me when it is SO FREAKING OBVIOUS that I am a dismal failure.

I know you've been there, guys. Isn't this what we all do to ourselves?

The trouble I'm having right now is finding the balance between giving myself a little grace, and yet not using excuses and too MUCH grace as a reason to not move forward.  Does that make sense?  Let me explain.

I want to be perfect.  I do.  I want to work out every day, and eat clean, and see amazing results.  And I know that I *could* do it.  But there are days it's just not a priority in the 24 hours that I have.  And I'm ashamed to admit that too many days, eating chips and fat-assing on my couch with Plants vs Zombies and some Netflix bingeing is my priority instead.  I don't want to be the kind of person who doesn't move forward in life.  I hate that so many times it's just easier to sit there.  And yet I continue to do it.  And when I say this kind of thing to hubby, he says "babe, you've been working so hard! You deserve a little break.  Just get back on it tomorrow."  Or else, if it's been a few days and he can see what's going on because he knows me, "Well, okay, what are you gonna do about it?"  And then he lays it out and tells me the things he's seen me do before when I feel successful.  And usually at that point I get super defensive because I don't want to hear it, because I know what I need to do, and I know I'm not doing it.

So.... this weekend I gave myself too much grace.  I drank Woodchucks.  I ate way too many chips.  I haven't worked out since last Thursday.  And past me would have said, "See?  This is just how you are.  Trying to be different is too hard.  What does it really matter if you change your body?  You're gonna die anyway- so you die healthy, so what?"  For real.  I used to think that.

But now? I think no.  I think I feel better when I have energy, and I can tell that eating that way doesn't do it for me.  I think I feel stronger and happier after a workout, even if I hate it and want to die and throw obscenities at Shaun T while I'm doing it.  I think I love the example of health and moderation that it shows my kids when I get right back on the wagon after a weekend of crap.  No I'm not perfect, but I will keep trying now instead of quitting.

Danielle Natoni is a coach I love- she's featured in Insanity Max 30 and I stalk her pages.  She's got good stuff.  On Thanksgiving she posted something like, "I'm not doing today's workout to "earn" my meal.  I'm working out because it's Day 4 of my program, and I'm going to eat Thanksgiving dinner later because it's Thanksgiving."  I love that so much.  That's the balance I'm trying to attain.

I have the morning off work today.  I'm listening to the Beachbody National Wakeup Call while I type this, and then I'm going to go do my Insanity Fit Test before I start Month Two.  Y'all, I'm going to need you to hold me accountable.  Month two has workouts that are longer and more intense.  I have never worked out for an hour and I'm afraid I can't do it.  I still feel like a fat girl who "can't" run or jump.  But dammit I'm gonna try.  And I know I will succeed, even on days when I think I'm not.

And you can too.  :)  Let's do this!

Insanity Musings

I'm halfway through week three of Insanity.  I decided to try it on a whim, because the entire program is included with the Beachbody on Demand service I subscribe to anyway.  I honestly was not sure I could do it but I'm getting tired of making so many excuses when it comes to my workouts.  I do it a lot.  Yes, I'm a geeky bookworm choir girl who used to be scrawny and then ate too many cheetos.  I've never been strong or fit and I've always preferred indoor activities that involved fat-assing on the couch.

But there is no reason I have to stay that way.  So Insanity it is.

I've really enjoyed surprising myself.  I still have to modify some exercises because my knees are not that great and they sometimes sound like rice krispies when I squat.  Sometimes my feet slip right out from under me when I'm planking and I fall on my face.  But for the most part I'm better at this than I thought I could be.  There's something immensely satisfying about realizing that you can, in fact, do ten power jumps.  Can I do 80 like my upline coach?  Nope.  But today I can do 10, and tomorrow maybe I'll do 11 or 12, and consistency is the key.  Small changes, over time, will give results.

Ever read that kids' book Holes?  They made a movie of it with Sigourney Weaver and Shia LeBoeuf.  There's a part in it where the dad makes his kid carry this baby pig up the hill every day.  The kid thinks it's totally pointless and grumbles the whole time.  All of a sudden one day after like a year he really looks at the pig and realizes that it's full-grown.  His friends try to pick it up and they can't.  "Every day the pig grew a little bigger, but every day I grew a little stronger", or something like that. Dude is lifting an adult hog and doesn't even think he's changed.  Insanity is kinda like that for me.  Well, except that some days I lose grip on the pig and we tumble down the hill.  And occasionally I let the pig have a day off.  But I still feel the analogy stands.  At the end of sixty days I want to stand at the top of the hill and hold that big pig in my strong arms.  And use my core to lift my knees, because I still have no freaking clue how to do that when Shaun T yells it at me every day.

So if you've done Insanity, mad props to you.  If you haven't, I highly recommend it, because it's so much fun to do more than you have before.  My family thinks I'm crazy.  They come into the playroom less and less while I'm working out now because I yell ugly things at Shaun T.  They agree that it looks hard and that they're proud of me.  That's another level of motivation right there.  Damn, I want to make my kids proud of me.  I want to show them that you don't always have to give up.

Even though most days I think it's possible I might pee a little or at the very least fart during the workout, even though I have to modify, and even though it's hard, this is some cool shiz.

But I'll get there.  And so can you.